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some things that happen really fucking dissapoint me.
bitter people, stupid people, selfish people.
The lack of time,
the lack comprehension and character in most human beings,
Entering a fucking art contest that is specified to a group of young artists that you fit into, a NATIONAL Jurried Exhibition, that you have great chances to get into (only 225 people entered, and there are 16... FUCKING 16 AWARDS GIVEN!).... and NOT GETTING IN!
FFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKK
really makes all the fucking emotion and time and thought that I put into my fucking work feel pretty fucking stupid. I feel like shit about my Art right now... FUcking Shit, shit shit shit shit. Who am I kidding... I don't have a fucking chance. There is no ryme or reason as to what makes people decide what is good or not, what gets in the show or not, who gets the money or not. I knew I shouldn't have stuck my pussy ass fucking toes into the friggid fucking water that is the public viewing of somthing so fucking personal.
I should just fucking keep it to myself like I did before I fucking went to college, people are fucking stupid anyways. I'm such a fucking pussy... I even made it a point not to get my hopes up about this fucking contest and I'm still fucking crushed. Big fucking deal... big fucking deal. whatever.
I'm done.
I hate ex-wives, and I hate rejection.
I'm fucking selfish... I hate that my grandfather is dying.. I hate that people don't know what real beauty is, I hate that people can be so selfish.
I have to go back to measuring the worth of my life and my work and my love from internal sources, not external.
I need to not let these things grind me so much.
I have better things to spend my energy on.
Fuck you Art community,
Fuck you, Bitter people, stupid people, selfish people.
you are nixed in my life.Current Mood: terrible Current Music: lacking |
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I've been out for a while.... dropping a line, a little hello. I met the man of my dreams, the love of my life, the one. who'da thunk it! I will marry this man.
Mark Fletcher Hull
just like that... WHAM! side swiped me. And somehow I've found myself.
I"m home, for the first time in my life.... I know where I belong for good, forever.
Current Mood: completed Current Music: oh yes, I'm dead serious |
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I wish that I could meet Samuael Bak.... I can maybe, he's still alive.
I wish that I could just spend days with him and share my thoughts on art and humanity and beauty and pain and tragedy.
I wish that I could understand him,
and I wish that he would see potential in me
... I wish he could be my mentor.
I miss my mentor,
I hurt his heart.
I sacraficed both our pride for my happieness.
it aches.... mom, it aches.
but mom.. I think your wrong.
I wish I could have known what he truly felt and thought. " I wish, I wish, I wish" What a fucking useless phrase.
now its time to lay down and rest my bones, my lovely bones, please excuse my lovely bones.Current Mood: gassy Current Music: whispers of sleep |
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my world is inside out and upside down.
I'm lost about who I am, and what I believe, and what I feel, and what I think.
I want to embrace, but I have a sickening feeling of numbness.
I need to be alive I need to feel.
here's lookin' at you kid.Current Mood:  numb Current Music: because you want to fuck me |
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who are we to judge??
who are YOU to judge?
who are you to say you know what he wishes, what he hopes for, his "RULES" ... personaly, I think thats a lie the human race tells to itself.
These people aren't kind, these people aren't healthy, just look at them... but who really is?
deny yourself anger? deny yourself your mind? your heart? well... then you are trying to be something that you aren't.
I am very frustrated, and I am very angry, and I am going to get help because I don't want this shit festering inside of me.
oh darling oh darling oh darling... please don't stop, don't give up on me, don't stop doing those little things.
I've become a stiff bitch right before my very eyes.Current Mood: love me mister Current Music: mellisa ferrick "say goodbye" |
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what's real anyway?
no, I'm serious, I really want to know... what is real to you?
"look at these! my child bearring hips.. look at these! my ruby red ruby lips"
I think my energy is real, so let me be, let me run and vibe, let me fuck and love and hate all the same.
I'm beautiful in my furry, and I'm pathetic in my lies.
and my existence is wide....
tell me something you think I haven't felt before... tell me a feeling, an instance... I want to know what people think.
I'm not pregnant, good for me, I'm not cripled, good for me, I'm not hiddeous ... well.. sometimes I am, and god damned good for me because I'm human and in my opinion human beings are the most dispicable creatures on the face of this planet.
shit.. I need to paint.
Jun. 12th, 2005 @ 11:46 pm
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| » like an egg |
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I think too hard.. too much?
who the fuck knows what too hard or too much is?
I'm not always to blame?
I feel like I am.
you're right... I wish I had everything figured out. I wish I wasn't such a fuck sometimes. I wish I didn't have to dump this shit on you.
its 95 in my brain
time for some blue
time for some amazon
jesus I hope I find the same balance I did last time around.
3 weeks till Stef's wedding... something old, something new, something blue... I want to find her some antique ring, or bracelet at a shop in adrian. I want to paint her a painting for her and adam's new appartment... something blue.. hmm.
I need to go visit western.
forget one thing and your at rock bottom again.
forget one thing and your membranes are running thin.
forget that one thing, and your brain begins to end.
Jun. 7th, 2005 @ 04:44 pm
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| » I feel like throwing up |
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this is somewhat of an end in my brain, but I'm going to continue to live, its a choice I've made ahead of time.
right now it feels like somebody is taking a potatoe peeler to my emotions
right now it feels like my brain is suffocating
right now it feels like fire ants are eating my stomach
right now I feel like there is no blood in my body... could you imagine the exhaustion?
but things will get better... and I'll perservere.
even though I feel like vomiting up my heart.
this too shall pass.
May. 23rd, 2005 @ 07:32 pm
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my new meds hurt my stomach... ouuuuuucccchhhh.
my dog is cool
my old roomate is comming to visit me.
I passed my recertification with flying colors... I have a job. Steph.. they are deffinately still taking applications.. you should apply NOW.
I'm dating a frustrated sexy skeptic grumpy old man
time to go pick up my perscriptions....
my niece is still the coolest thing since peanutbutter and rootbeer... she might just be as cool, if not cooler than spagetti.
I love my family, but I know I can't stay home longer than absolutely nessicary.
I miss Chelsea.. I want to make a trip down to D-troit and visit her and then visit the ODR kids.
I need to save up enough money this summer for New Zealand.... and I NEED to take a trip to Boston to visit my Maria, god all mighty I miss my maria.
I need to call Jenn! JENN! give me your cell again!.. I have it written somewhere though.. I'll find it and call you today. ( I don't think I'm coming down to adrian this weekend)
time to go pick up my meds.
May. 19th, 2005 @ 01:23 pm
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| » she doesn't understand that how this hurts me, or believe that it does |
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what do you do when somebody you love acuses you of never loving them?
what do you do when that person has an unbelievable amount of anger and hate within them?
what do you do when that person lashes out at you with utter disrespect?
what do you do when that person begins to assault you?
what do you do when you're sick of not fighting back?
what do you do when that person comes after you with a knife?
what do you do when that person threatens your life?
what do you do when that person says you threatened them, when that is a flat out lie?
what do you do when that person says that you threatened their child, a child that you love almost more than life itself, which is also so much of a lie that you think you might vomit?
what do you do when somebody you love snaps on you?
do you press charges? I mean, somebody just went crazy on you, threatened your life, threatened you with a knife....
do you tell them that they either get help NOW or else you'll press charges?
I mean.. they don't believe that you care about them anyways.
do you try and explain to them that they are being completely irrational because they have very very deeply rooted problems that they need to adress in order to ever truly be ok and stable and happy?
do you even try to talk to them about it?
I'm in shock...and I don't know what to do.
May. 11th, 2005 @ 04:04 pm
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